Nightmare at Primark!

YOU’RE WALKING down a crowded street and to your horror, you notice people looking at you, laughing. They’re pointing at your nether regions and when you look down, you notice that you’re wearing nothing but a skimpy sleeveless vest.

For a hapless few this is reality, but for most of us it happens only in our night time imaginings.

Is this a harmless dream or evidence of a damaged psyche? Certainly, the fact that you are walking may be evidence that you possess a damaged cycle. You should always carry a spare inner tube. In fact, going to bed with a full bicycle repair kit and a bicycle pump can do wonders for your sense of security. Besides which, there is an increased opportunity for fun.

If you are truly bothered by this dream, why not try to reverse it? Actually go out for the next few days half-naked. After a few days of nonchalant shopping trips, and not just a few narrow escapes from the police, you will find yourself dreaming of a half-naked multitude giggling fit to bust at you as you walk through them dressed in a double-breasted suit from Burton or a twin set from Dorothy Perkins (depending on your sex or inclination). But just changing the dream scenario has not rid you of that feeling of insecurity.

Dreams change subtly as one matures. I used to have the old classic as frequently as repeats of old classics on TV, but I must be feeling more secure, because now, as a man, I occasionally dream of walking into town just wearing striped pyjamas. No socks or slippers. Just pyjamas.

If this gradual increase in emotional security is to follow a logical pattern, then the dream scenarios for the average, gradually maturing dreamer are easy to predict.

At the age of forty-five, the patient can expect to wear pyjamas and a pair of checked slippers. By fifty-five, the somnolent one will be in pyjamas, slippers and cord dressing gown while puffing a pipe just like one of those terrible drawings from a mail order advert. And so it goes, until the most cocksure dreamer marches through Oxford Street in full nocturnal regalia including nightcap, a hot water bottle and a cup of cocoa.

However, is nakedness the only evidence of insecurity in dreams? Naturists must be assaulted by visions of themselves walking down a street fully-clothed. I’m often jerked awake by visions in which I am buying a sports jacket at Primark, OF MY OWN ACCORD!

Neckties are a phallic symbol but you dream of bow ties? A vasectomy is on the way. Either that, or a very nasty accident.

Page Three Girls dream that they have been turned into the financial pages. Mike Tyson leaves the perspiration-drenched sheets after night visions have turned him into Chris Eubank.

A gut-churning drama involving a speck of dust falling onto one of her cakes causes Jane Asher to put a small crease in that perfectly arranged duvet. The nightmare that constantly harasses Sooty and Sweep consists of Matthew Corbett growing long fingernails. John Prescott wakes up in a cold sweat after a dream that he is, in fact, John Prescott.

Most people experience the common nightmare of going into an exam without having done any revision. The trouble is that many of them are simply reliving the terrible truth. And, unless it was a bicycle repair exam, no amount of rubber tubing, glue or spanners would be sufficient to rebuild your battered subconscious.

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Filed under anxiety, Cartoons, dreams, funny, humor, Humorous Features, humour, insecurity, nightmares, satire, stories

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