Doctor Foster Steps into a Muddle

SCENE: DOCTOR’S SURGERY

[DOCTOR FOSTER IS ATTENDING TO LITTLE JACK HORNER]


DR FOSTER:
Well, Master Horner, I hope that’s the last time you stick your thumb where it’s not wanted. Just rub this in twice a day for the next week.

Jack Horner:
Thank you, Doctor. Goodbye.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]


Dr Foster:
[HARRUMPHS] I don’t know. Young people today…

[INTERCOM BLEEPS. SECRETARY PAM’S VOICE IS HEARD OVER THE SPEAKER]


Pam:
Dr Foster?

Dr Foster:
Yes, Pam?

Pam:
There’s a common old lady on the line. She sounds desperate. She says you know her.

Dr Foster:
Oh yes. Put her through. Oh, and Pam, be sure to get those contraceptives over to that funny lady who lives in a shoe.

Pam:
Yes. Otherwise she’ll have to move into a welly!

Dr Foster:
[GUFFAWING UNCONTROLLABLY] Ye-e-ess! Absolutely. Now, I’ve
a house call to make to some poor lad who’s fallen down a hill. Can
you pack my bag with some vinegar and brown paper?

[PHONE RINGS]


Dr Foster:
Doctor Foster. Can I help you?

Old Woman:
[BREATHING HEAVILY] ‘Allo, Doc. I’m not feeling too good. I wonder
if you remember…

Dr Foster:
Yes. You swallowed a fly did’t you?

Old Woman:
Yes, that’s right. It’s just that…

Dr Foster:
Did we find out why you swallowed the fly?

Old Woman:
No, but you know that remedy you gave me?

Dr Foster:
Yes, the cider…

Old Woman:
Oh! I thought you said ‘spider’

Dr Foster:
You swallowed a spider?

Old Woman:
Er, yeah. And I must say it left rather a strange feeling in my stomach.

Dr Foster:
What, a sort of wriggly, tiggly feeling?

Old Woman:
Yes.

Dr Foster:
Well, did you try any of the other remedies I suggested?

Old Woman:
Yes, Doctor. But I’m still feeling poorly. [COUGHS]

Dr Foster:
Didn’t the lemon curd work?

Old Woman:
Yeah. I went across the frog and toad and got meself a bird.

Dr Foster:
A bird? You swallowed a bird?

Old Woman:
That’s what you ordered, Doc.

Dr Foster:
How absurd!
[COUGHS TO CLEAR THROAT – SPLUTTERS]
Sorry – just a bit of a frog in my throat.

Old Woman:
Blimey! This thing is catching!

Dr Foster:
Thank you Madam. Now what have you tried since swallowing the bird?

Old Woman:
Er … ah … um …

Dr Foster:
Come on, dear. What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?

Old Woman:
[SURPRISED] Er, yeah!

Dr Foster:
Oh no! Your digestive system must be working overtime.

Old Woman:
Yes. I’ve got a terrible belly ache. The last thing I tried didn’t help at all.

Dr Foster:
What was that?

Old Woman:
A hot dog.

Dr Foster:
Now listen carefully so you understand. You’re going to need something to race through your system and get you into a stable condition as soon as possible. Take some Red Rum…

Old Woman:
Oh yes, Doctor. Of course.
[PHONE HANGS UP]

Dr Foster:
Eh? No wait! Oh, dammit!

[BEEPINGS OF INTERCOM]


Dr Foster:
Pam!

Pam:
Yes, Doctor?

Dr Foster:
Could you arrange my appointment with the Crooked Man? Thanks.

[INTERCOM BEEPS AGAIN]


Pam:
Oh, Doctor. I have Solomon Grundy on the line. He wants to make an urgent appointment.

Dr Foster:
But I’ve got to go to Goucester. Tell him I’ll see him on Sunday!

[‘IRONIC’ END MUSIC]Written by Simon Ellinas and John Landers

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under doctor, fly, foster, funny, horse, humor, Humorous Features, humour, jack horner, nursery rhyme, old woman, Scripts, surgery, swallowed, Uncategorized

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s