So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??
He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
‘Best Before End’
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
“Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”
I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts
I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”
So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”
What is interesting is that these and other jokes were transmitted via email across the internet erroneously described as Tommy Cooper’s jokes! There’s an explanatory email below:
Hello there,With reference to the “Tommy Cooper” jokes on your site. I’m sure you would be very interested to discover that all of the gags apart from the first 4 on your “Fantastic Tommy Cooper one-liners” page are actually not Tommy Cooper’s material. You will find no recorded or written evidence of any of those gags being performed by Tommy Cooper. They are in fact original material written by the very funny British comedian TIM VINE. Tim is a very good friend of mine and a big name on the comedy circuit in the UK. He won the Perrier Award for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Festival in 1995 for the TIM VINE FIASCO. He has been likened to Tommy Cooper by other great comedians such as Bob Monkhouse. He has alsobeen on TV over the last few years compering shows such as Whittle (Channel 5), Fluke (Channel 4) and Housemates (BBC1). There was an article about this very subject in the comedy seciton of the London magazine TIME OUT last week.Unfortunately, at some point over the last few years, someone ripped Tim’s gags off at a gig, put them in a (now well-known) email and credited them to Tommy Cooper. I received a copy of this myself and am attaching it to this email for reference. You will note that the sad individual who performed this act of plagiarism even transcribed the words “Mr Vine” in one of the jokes – bit of a give-away.
It is in some ways flattering that people can think that Tim’s material is in fact Tommy Cooper’s. However, it is also sad that great British talent is also suffering as a result. The reason for writing this email is merely to ask you to attribute the material to the right person.
The Tim Vine Website is currently under construction and will be up and running shortly. It will be at http://www.timvine.com. It will also feature an article about the plagiarism of Tim’s gags.
I hope you appreciate the comments in this email and the reason for writing it. We all enjoy comedy – Let’s make sure the talent behind it is correctly credited.
Thanks very much,
Karl Hampson.Ha! would like to make it very clear that these are Tim Vine’s jokes and jolly funny they are too!